July 27

It's been just over three months since I've been listed-- that's the first trimester of listing, gone. Now the real fun begins, right? This is the part where I get (acceptably) fat and walk around with an energized glow about me, excited by the thought of my new arrival. Scratch that, this is the part where fantasy wilts under the shadow of real life. That 'glow' is really a sunburn from your Cipro induced photo-sensitivity, that fat behaviour is getting you nowhere because you can never replace the calories you're burning, and that new arrival is already causing you stress and sleepless nights because you don't know when it's coming or if you'll even know what to do with it when it does. Things like this make me write run-on sentences without a thread of guilt.

Tomorrow is the big day, the day where my entire health team (Physiotherapists, Doctors, Social Worker, etc.) gather with the transplant team at Toronto General and present my case Dr. House-styles. Initially, I looked at this day with a sense of dread: it meant this was it, I was giving up on these lungs once and for all and officially taking a giant leap of faith into a world unknown. But as things have progressed and my state of health has continued to decline, that dread has turned into excitement with a hint of desperation--I'm running out of options and I need this, I've lost the luxury of time to mull over this decision.

Perhaps I should provide you with more background: last week the Chest Fellow came into my room for an afternoon chat, she told me that I wasn't stable enough to leave the hospital (even for homecare) and that we probably wouldn't even discuss the possibility for another 3-4 weeks (at this point I'd already been in the hospital for a month). I suppose I didn't truly realize the gravity of my situation until she said that it was possible I would have to stay here until transplant and that they (the medical team) would be suggesting I get listed at Status 2 (the highest status on the transplant list). I was just warming up to getting my feet wet, now they wanted me to dive into open waters...