Tomorrow is the big day, the day where my entire health team (Physiotherapists, Doctors, Social Worker, etc.) gather with the transplant team at Toronto General and present my case Dr. House-styles. Initially, I looked at this day with a sense of dread: it meant this was it, I was giving up on these lungs once and for all and officially taking a giant leap of faith into a world unknown. But as things have progressed and my state of health has continued to decline, that dread has turned into excitement with a hint of desperation--I'm running out of options and I need this, I've lost the luxury of time to mull over this decision.
Perhaps I should provide you with more background: last week the Chest Fellow came into my room for an afternoon chat, she told me that I wasn't stable enough to leave the hospital (even for homecare) and that we probably wouldn't even discuss the possibility for another 3-4 weeks (at this point I'd already been in the hospital for a month). I suppose I didn't truly realize the gravity of my situation until she said that it was possible I would have to stay here until transplant and that they (the medical team) would be suggesting I get listed at Status 2 (the highest status on the transplant list). I was just warming up to getting my feet wet, now they wanted me to dive into open waters...
Since that conversation I've been rehashing my final decision, weighing the pros and cons, and listening to my gut. But as my Cysta pointed out, I'm not the type to go on intuition alone, I need the cold hard facts laid out in front of me--which is why I was grateful for the evidence that surfaced this week:
- I found an old post I had written last summer and never published (I will publish it later) in which I wrote that I didn't really see myself working after graduation and that I was only buying time with my lungs.
- I re-watched 65_RedRoses and realized that even at Eva's health level I still would not have felt listing was justified due to lack of 02 dependence and still being able to somewhat function (then realized after watching this, how dumb I was to assume I had to go that low).
- I asked for my trend report after PFTs yesterday, and the results were quite startling... I've truly been living in denial:
i'm there with a lifeboat, a buoy, a lifeguard (cute one, obvi) a yacht, a life jacket AND rubber duckie wings...I got you covered cyster! you are not going anywhere. transplant...here we come....
Hi Lindsay,
I'm not the best at writing and putting words together you have always been able to write so beautifully and I admire that about you.
You know me I'm like your Mom we have the gift of the gab didn't we
talk for 5 hrs last Saturday :)
Well you once wrote this to Hatti to help her find some comfort, you found this quote And I loved how you put it together and I dug it up as I never forgot this.
"In order to get from what was to what will be, you must go through what is."
At this moment, "what is" happens to suck But as Ashley, Hattie and many others have told you, and showed you, the "what will be" is something to look forward to. So hold on to the "what will be" and visualize a future of Glee-dancing, rum punches and summer swims. It's only a matter of time, after all.
xoxo
Love,
Aunt Kim
I think that's where you are heading. I was status 2 right off the bat, and then later a higher than status 2 that they don't talk about. That's when they start to fax and call hospitals in the States for lungs. But that was my insane scenerio. You will get listed, get the call in speedy fashion, and be out in time to enjoy the rest of the summer. Just watch. Your aunt Kim is right. dancing, swimming, and back in the swing of life.
those are all my favourite things. glee dancing (hello that show made me get listed I SWEAR! haha) rum punches, oh baby, and swimming? no more sitting with toes in water...actually swimming.
also coffee dates with hattitude? probably the best thing to look forward to!
thank you Lindsay for sharing this with me. You are a beautiful writer with a wonderful spirit,you are going to get through this because are amazing. And don't forget you owe me a coffee date, and I have some TV shows I want you to help me with.
Sending warm wishes and love
RaDeana
Dear ex-roomie:
We're all rootin' fer ya up at Barrow Bay. You've got a great attitude and lots of family support.
We'll see you after your ordeal.
Craig, Kim, and Dylan Dawson